


In the Darkness, You Are My Light

by Seravia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode Tag, M/M, Magic Revealed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-19
Updated: 2013-04-19
Packaged: 2017-12-08 21:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/766245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seravia/pseuds/Seravia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Gwen leaves Camelot, Arthur is not heart-broken, and Merlin is convinced Arthur is pining for Gwen.  It takes another sorcerer, several attempts on Arthur's life, and the king at his bedside for Merlin to get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Darkness, You Are My Light

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Merlin_Redux prompt #53.

_“I never meant to leave you.”_

_“Don’t you see? I just told you I’m leaving you and your concern is Merlin.”_

_“Perhaps you should consider why it is that Merlin matters more to you than I do.”_

\--

Merlin hurried up the stairs toward Arthur’s chambers. He slipped through the doors and set down his tray with a sigh of relief.

“I’ve brought your dinner, sire,” Merlin called, cautiously making his way to Arthur’s side.

Arthur glanced back at the tray of food and gave a short nod before turning back to gaze out the window.

“Aren’t you going to eat, sire?” Merlin asked softly.

“Yes. Thank you,” Arthur said tonelessly, moving away from the window to sit at the table. Merlin’s eyebrows drew together worriedly as he took in the weariness of Arthur’s gait, each step seemingly a new struggle. Merlin stared at Arthur’s back for a moment more. Then he turned to Arthur’s bed, fluffing already plump pillows for an excuse to stay in Arthur’s chambers. Merlin started when he heard a tiny cough of a chuckle come from Arthur. He spun around just in time to catch Arthur’s lips quirk upward briefly.

“Judging by the amount of water on this tray, I see you still haven’t mastered the skill of balancing while walking.”

Merlin beamed. That was the first insult and smile Merlin had gotten from Arthur in the past week. He considered that an accomplishment.

Merlin chose his words carefully when he responded, afraid of sending Arthur back into reticence. “It’s one of my many charms, sire.”

Arthur’s lips gave another twitch. “Charms? Like idiocy, I’m sure.”

“I have plenty of charms!” Merlin huffed, promptly forgetting to tread lightly. “You just never pay enough attention to notice them.”

Arthur didn’t respond again, turning away from Merlin and taking an avid interest in his food. Merlin’s heart sank. _‘What did I do wrong? Too soon to try for banter?’_

Stifling a sigh, Merlin rearranged Arthur’s closet for the tenth time that week, feigning concentration. Merlin shifted self-consciously as he felt Arthur’s eyes on him. He turned to ask Arthur if he needed anything only to find him engrossed in his dinner. Puzzled, Merlin turned back to the closet. Again, Merlin felt the sensation of Arthur’s eyes on his back. Again, he turned to find Arthur’s head bent over his plate. This continued to happen no less than five more times before Merlin finally lost patience.

“Yes?” Merlin demanded, spinning to face Arthur so quickly he managed to catch Arthur’s gaze.

“Nothing!” Arthur said quickly, eyes widening for a moment.

“You’ve been staring at me for the past hour. What is it?” Merlin asked, just managing to soften his tone.

“No, I haven’t!” Arthur said defensively, a blush rising to his cheeks.

Merlin narrowed his eyes. “Okay, I’m done,” Merlin said, throwing his hands in the air. Just before launching into a rant, Merlin caught sight of the look on Arthur’s face, devastated but resigned. Merlin slowly lowered his hands to his sides and sat down in the chair across from Arthur.

“Arthur,” Merlin said gently. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Arthur said stubbornly, breaking away from Merlin’s gaze.

“It’s not nothing,” Merlin insisted. “I’ve been trying to give you time since last week, but you’re not making it easy. Not that anything’s ever easy with you. Please, Arthur. Won’t you tell me what happened?”

“Guinevere left, Merlin,” Arthur said flatly. “What else is there to tell?”

“Why did she leave? We had just returned from removing Morgana’s enchantment on her. I’ve been wracking my brain, Arthur. But I just can’t figure out why.”

Merlin could see the moment when Arthur’s resistance crumbled. Merlin’s heart ached for him. Arthur had barely slept in the past week. It was no wonder he didn’t have the strength to argue.

“I walked in and… she was packing.”

\--

_Arthur walked into his chambers and stopped dead._

_“Guinevere?” Arthur asked, mind scrambling to make sense of the scene in front of him. Gwen standing in the middle of the room in riding clothes. Her things neatly packed into traveling packs. Empty drawers and shelves staring accusingly at Arthur._

_Gwen froze briefly, then continued to fold the tunic in her hand. She gently placed the tunic in her pack then turned around. “Arthur,” Gwen murmured, unable to meet his gaze._

_“What are you doing?” Arthur asked quietly._

_“I…” Gwen began but fell silent. Reluctantly, she lifted her eyes to Arthur’s, regret and determination shining through her gaze. “I’m leaving,” she said in a rush._

_“When will you return?”_

_“Don’t make me say it, Arthur,” she whispered._

_“Say it, Guinevere,” Arthur demanded._

_“Never.”_

_Arthur felt the breath leave him in a whoosh. “Oh.”_

_“Oh, Arthur,” Gwen murmured, sweeping forward to touch his arm. “I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen.”_

_As Gwen squeezed his arm, Arthur felt the squeeze around his heart. “What did you never mean for to happen?” Arthur asked hoarsely._

_“I never meant to leave you,” Gwen answered, taking Arthur’s hand in her own. Arthur took comfort in the touch for a brief moment. “This can’t have come as a surprise, Arthur.”_

_Arthur blinked blankly at his Queen._

_Gwen patted his hand lightly. “Does it not bother you that we barely know each other, Arthur?”_

_“Of course we know each other. We’re married,” Arthur said slowly, eyebrows drawing together quizzically._

_Gwen shook her head sadly. “That’s what makes it even worse. We may be husband and wife, but are we really?”_

_“You’re going to have to speak more plainly, Guinevere.”_

_“Arthur, I had been under Morgana’s influence for weeks,” Gwen began._

_“Yes, and you’re not anymore,” Arthur was quick to cut in._

_“No, of course not,” Gwen replied, squeezing Arthur’s hand comfortingly. “But you never knew the difference, did you?”_

_“I – “ Arthur fell silent, avoiding Gwen’s gaze._

_Gwen looked relieved. “Do you understand now, Arthur? I wasn’t myself for weeks, and you never knew. We spent hours together each day. We dined, we celebrated out anniversary, we even shared a bed. But you never once suspected that I wasn’t myself.”_

_“But I realized in the end!” Arthur protested._

_“Weeks, Arthur,” Gwen pressed. “Merlin realized weeks before you did. As much as I regret to say it, Merlin and I are not as close as we once were. Yet he still knew something was amiss.”_

_Arthur was quiet again. “I’m sorry,” he said feebly._

_Gwen gave a small, sad smile. “I know you are.”_

\--

Merlin was silent for a long time after Arthur finished speaking. When he did speak, it was only to offer a weak, “I’m sorry.”

Arthur laughed bitterly. “Don’t be. I should have seen it coming. I don’t know her. She doesn’t know me. We were never well suited for each other, but I married her anyway.”

“Don’t say that,” Merlin protested. “You were happy together. You loved each other. Don’t you believe that your marriage was strong enough?”

“I’m not certain that we were happy, Merlin. How could we be happy when we barely knew each other?”

\--

_“Must you leave?” Arthur asked pleadingly._

_“I wish there was another way,” Gwen said, sighing heavily._

_“But there is,” Arthur insisted. “Stay. Even if you no longer wish to be my wife, you will always be Camelot’s Queen, Guinevere.”_

_“That’s kind of you to say, sire.” Arthur flinched at the formal title. “But there’s nothing in Camelot for me anymore. You, Merlin, and Gaius will always be my friends. But…”_

_Gwen hesitated before plowing forward. “Morgana’s enchantment made things simple. I saw my life for what it truly was. After Elyan’s death, I was trapped for months inside my own body. Forced to watch as ‘I’ went about my duties, slept beside you, and manipulated the castle. You may have given my body time to grieve, but my mind was trapped, terrified and despairing. Through all of it, I hoped that you would see past the enchantment. But you never did. When I knew Merlin suspected me, I finally began to hope again. I clung to that hope for weeks. That hope died when you took me to bed.”_

_“Guinevere – “_

_Gwen shook her head to silence Arthur. “I want to be Camelot’s Queen, Arthur. I do. Because I love her. But being Camelot’s Queen means being your wife. And I can’t play that role anymore. Years ago when you proposed, I thought that the affection we held for each other was enough. But it never was, was it? I need to start over, Arthur. Far from here. Can you understand that?”_

\--

“I don’t understand,” Merlin said bluntly. “You were in love. I know you were. I saw it with my own eyes.”

Arthur rubbed a hand over his eyes wearily. “Leave me, Merlin.”

“But – “

“I have told you all I will say on the matter. Leave me.”

Silently, Merlin nodded and cleared away Arthur’s tray. Before walking out the door, Merlin looked back once and found Arthur’s eyes following him. Merlin left without another word.

The moment Merlin was out the door, Arthur threw himself across the room on to his bed. He was exhausted from recounting Gwen’s farewell. Merlin’s constant presence was making things worse. Gwen’s parting words had yet to stop ringing in his head. The familiar ache of being left felt almost soothing in comparison to the mass of confusion in his mind.

\--

_“I’m sorry, Guinevere.”_

_“Stop apologizing, Arthur. It’s all right. I shouldn’t have expected any different. After all, you didn’t notice when Merlin was enchanted. There was no chance you would have noticed I wasn’t myself.”_

_Immediately, Arthur’s head snapped up. Gwen stopped mid-smile, backtracking and saying, “Oh, Arthur, I’m not saying you’re a bad husband. It’s just – “_

_Arthur cut her off, demanding, “Merlin was enchanted?”_

_Gwen stopped short. “Yes, years ago. I thought he told you. As I was saying, I’m not angry with you. But it did make me see – “_

_“When was this?” Arthur exclaimed._

_“Before we got married,” Gwen said slowly, eyebrows pinching together. “It was that time you came back from a patrol without him, and no one could find him when you sent them to look. But don’t worry, he’s fine. Gaius and I took care of it – “_

_“Why wasn’t I told?” Arthur said angrily, pacing frantically across the room. “He could’ve been hurt! I spent days searching for him and no one told me he was enchanted?”_

_Gwen grabbed Arthur’s arm and spun him to face her in a surprising show of strength. “Arthur!” Gwen said firmly, raising her voice to make herself heard over Arthur’s raving._

_“What?” Arthur snapped._

_Gwen sighed and shook her head. “Don’t you see? I just told you I’m leaving you and your concern is Merlin. It happened years ago, Arthur. Years. You do remember that I was enchanted just a few days ago?”_

_“Yes, of course,” Arthur was quick to say. “But you’re fine. We cured you. You look fine.”_

_“Would you know if I wasn’t?” Gwen asked softly._

_Arthur started to protest that “yes, of course he would.” But the words died before leaving his throat. Arthur swallowed hard and looked away. Gwen patted his arm kindly. “Perhaps you should consider why it is that Merlin matters more to you than I do.”_

_“You are my wife, Guinevere,” Arthur said firmly, eyes wide and a little wild._

_“Was your wife,” Gwen corrected. “Ask yourself what Merlin really means to you, Arthur. The answer might surprise you.”_

\--

The next morning, Arthur woke to a pair of hands pulling a blanket up to his chin and smoothing the hair off his forehead.

Arthur blinked awake blearily, an involuntary smile drifting across his face as Merlin’s face came into view.

“Go back to sleep,” Merlin whispered. “It’s barely dawn.” As Merlin pulled away, Arthur felt a sudden, irrational bout of panic seize him. His hand shot out to clamp around Merlin’s wrist, yanking him down on to Arthur’s bed.

“Oof! Arthur?” came Merlin’s confused voice, muffled by the blankets.

Arthur stared at Merlin a moment longer, then released his wrist, immediately flopping back under the covers.

“Arthur?” Merlin pressed, voice going slightly shrill. Arthur’s only response was to burrow deeper into the blankets, resolutely ignoring the heat he felt rising to his cheeks.

Merlin finally moved away when it was clear that Arthur wasn’t going to speak again.

When Arthur felt confident that Merlin would no longer be looking at him, he tentatively poked his head out from beneath the covers, studying Merlin as he puttered about the chambers. Arthur found it impossibly endearing that Merlin tiptoed around the room picking up Arthur’s clothes, trying to be quiet but failing miserably. A fond smile crept across Arthur’s face as he watched Merlin freeze for a moment when he slammed the cupboard door on his finger, swearing as quietly as he could. He could practically see Merlin’s ears perk up to listen for any sounds of Arthur waking up.

Then Merlin put the injured finger in his mouth to suck on, cheeks hollowing obscenely. Arthur let out a squeak as he felt his blood rush south dizzyingly.

When Merlin turned around, Arthur was once again buried under the covers.

“Arthur?” Merlin whispered. Arthur shifted uncomfortably. “Arthur, are you awake?”

“No,” came Arthur’s muffled response, but he begrudgingly peeked out from the blankets.

Merlin rolled his eyes good naturedly and threw the curtains open. Arthur had to swallow a gasp as sunlight streamed through the window, lighting Merlin as if he were the sun itself.

“Arthur, are you feeling okay?” Merlin asked, resting his hand on Arthur’s forehead. “You feel a bit warm.” Merlin tried to tug the blankets down, but Arthur clung on, face flushing even more at the thought of Merlin seeing him in his aroused state.

“Fine. Go get my breakfast,” Arthur ordered.

“I already have,” Merlin replied, arching an eyebrow at Arthur, gesturing toward the table.

“Then go get my armor for training.”

“It’s still here. I was polishing it last night,” Merlin said slowly.

“Then… go fetch me a bath!” Arthur finally bit out.

“Now?” Merlin yelped.

“Now,” Arthur said firmly, letting out a quiet sigh of relief as Merlin shot him a dark look before walking out, muttering insults under his breath.

\--

Arthur didn’t take a bath when Merlin got back because he was late for training.

Merlin refused to speak to Arthur for the rest of the day.

This suited Arthur just fine since that meant Merlin was barely looking at him, allowing Arthur the chance to study Merlin unabashedly.

As Merlin poured his wine, Arthur found himself staring at the curl of Merlin’s fingers around the handle of the jug, his mind not so helpfully supplying him with an inconveniently graphic image of Merlin wrapping his fingers around Arthur’s cock.

Embarrassed, Arthur sent Merlin off to fetch another bath. Which Arthur didn’t use. Again.

At this rate, Merlin would never speak to him again.

Arthur was uncharacteristically aggressive the next day at training to work off the excess energy Merlin had aroused in him. Merlin sat on the sidelines, alternating between smiling fondly when Arthur won and glaring when he realized he was smiling. Arthur constantly found himself suppressing a smile of his own. The next time Arthur glanced at Merlin, he had untied his neckerchief to mop at the sweat on his forehead, leaving a wide stretch of skin suddenly bare. The next thing Arthur knew, the flat of a sword was slamming into his ribs and he found himself watching from the ground as a worried Merlin sprang up to run toward him, abandoning the neckerchief on the bench.

Arthur felt his breathing quicken. Odd, he hadn’t thought the blow was that painful. As Merlin crouched down to look at Arthur, all Arthur could think of was how very much he wanted to run his tongue along Merlin’s collarbone.

“-thur! Arthur!” Arthur snapped to attention when Merlin slapped his cheek lightly.

“What?” Arthur asked breathlessly.

Merlin’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “That’s enough training for today,” Merlin decided, hauling Arthur up and ducking under his arm. Merlin waved goodbye at the knights and dragged Arthur back to his chambers. Arthur valiantly fought the urge to bury his face in Merlin’s neck the entire trek.

As Merlin divested Arthur of his chainmail and gambeson, Arthur continued to stare, his gaze now roaming to Merlin’s face and the muscles that shifted in his arms as he moved. He started guiltily when Merlin caught his gaze.

“Are you okay, Arthur?” Merlin asked, waving a hand in front of Arthur’s face. “You’ve had this dazed look this whole time. Was the blow that hard?” Merlin lifted Arthur’s tunic and ghosted his fingers over the quickly forming bruise. “I’ll get you some salve,” Merlin said gently, pulling the tunic all the way off.

Arthur just managed to wipe the dazed look off his face by the time Merlin returned. When he felt Merlin’s fingers glide over his skin, Arthur abruptly made it his mission to stare straight ahead at the wall.

“Am I hurting you?”

“No,” Arthur said shortly.

“So do you want to tell me why you’ve been staring at me all day?” Merlin asked conversationally.

“I haven’t been staring at you!” Arthur protested.

“If you say so, sire,” Merlin teased.

“I do say so. Now go draw me – “

Merlin slammed the pot of salve down on the table. “If you tell me to draw you a bath one more time without bathing, I quit,” Merlin snapped.

Arthur jumped and turned wide eyes on Merlin.

“I have drawn you two baths in two days, Arthur. You have not gotten into either. Do you know how long it takes me to haul all those buckets of water up here? Not to mention the tub! Are you certain you need a bath, _sire_?” Merlin folded his arms over his chest and glared.

Arthur winced. “No,” he replied, suitably abashed.

“Good,” Merlin snapped. “Now why have you been sending me off to fetch you all these baths you don’t need?”

“I thought I needed them?” Arthur tried.

“Fine, don’t tell me,” Merlin sniffed, roughly tugging Arthur’s sleeping tunic over his head. “If that’s all, sire,” Merlin said, already heading out the door.

“Merlin,” Arthur called a little desperately.

“What?” Merlin snapped, whirling around.

Arthur felt a small smile creep over his face, feeling a warmth spread in his chest at Merlin’s adamant insubordination. “Good night,” he simply said.

Merlin’s irritation melted away at those words. His eyes softened when he responded, “Good night, Arthur.”

Arthur fell into bed with a contented smile. Somehow, his name had never sounded so sweet coming from anyone else’s lips. As Arthur drifted off to sleep, it occurred to him that he couldn’t think of anyone who said his name with that same mix of fondness and insolence that Merlin did. And he quite liked it that way.

\--

Arthur was frustrated. It had been weeks.

Arthur found his eyes and thoughts constantly drifting to Merlin. In council meetings, during training, during meals, when he met his knights in the tavern, and most often, in bed.

Arthur wasn’t used to this kind of temptation.

Faced with this constant yearning, Arthur had no idea how he had been so blind for so many years. He’d been so short with everyone for the past few weeks that even Merlin had taken to avoiding him when he could. Instead of sending Arthur sympathetic glances, servants and nobles alike had been fleeing Arthur’s presence.

The only one brave enough (or stupid enough, more like) to approach Arthur was Gwaine, jokingly saying, “Lover’s spat, princess?”

“You know very well Guinevere has left,” Arthur snapped, swinging his sword with more force than necessary, meeting Gwaine’s parry with a sharp clang.

“Who said I was talking about Gwen?” Gwaine shot a meaningful glance at Merlin, who was polishing one of Arthur’s swords on the sidelines. “Haven’t managed to kiss it all better?”

Arthur aimed another jab at Gwaine before stomping off the practice field, barking Merlin’s name as he passed.

Merlin shot Gwaine a dark look – to which Gwaine responded with a cheeky grin – then ran after Arthur.

_‘Haven’t managed to kiss it all better?’_

Was that what Arthur needed? To kiss Merlin? To know what that felt like? Arthur quickly dismissed the thought. Of course not. Since when was Gwaine ever right?

“Arthur!” Merlin called, grabbing Arthur’s shoulder and spinning him around. “Where are you going?” Merlin panted.

“My chambers.”

“Which we passed three corridors ago,” Merlin pointed out, raising an eyebrow critically.

“Right.” Arthur swept past Merlin and hurried into his chambers.

“Arthur!” Merlin cried indignantly behind him.

When Merlin appeared in the doorway, Arthur immediately ordered, “Go fetch my dinner.”

“Yes, sire,” Merlin sighed, disappearing again.

Merlin returned with a tray filled with Arthur’s favorites, which made Arthur smile as Merlin set the plates down in front of him. He was feeling generous and even pretended not to see as Merlin stole a piece of sausage. When he reached for a second, Arthur slapped his hand away. He wasn’t feeling that generous.

“Off you go. Polish my armor for tomorrow. I don’t want you back here until late.” Merlin opened his mouth to protest. “Merlin. Please.”

Merlin abruptly shut his mouth and nodded, gaze softening in sympathy. Arthur’s stomach turned guiltily, knowing that his request for alone time had nothing to do with the reasons Merlin were thinking of. In fact, he’d barely thought of Gwen since she left. That in itself was disconcerting.

Just before Merlin left, he bent down to retrieve Arthur’s armor from beside the doors. Arthur nearly choked watching the thin cloth of Merlin’s breeches pull taut over Merlin’s arse.

Arthur promptly spent the rest of the night drinking the two jugs of wine Merlin had brought, trying to forget the sight of Merlin’s pert arse on display.

When Merlin returned, Arthur was on the brink of singing his sorrows while hanging out his window.

“Arthur!” Merlin exclaimed, rushing forward to save Arthur from plummeting to his death. “When you said to leave you alone, I didn’t think it meant so that you could drink yourself into a stupor!” Merlin spent the next few minutes trying to haul Arthur away from the window by wrapping his arms around Arthur’s waist. Arthur was surprisingly set on sticking his head out the window, and the entire endeavor involved a series of highly misleading grunts and pants should anyone be standing beneath the window.

Merlin finally managed to shove Arthur on to the bed, where Arthur proceeded to stare up at Merlin with wide, forlorn eyes that made Merlin ache to wrap his arms around him.

“No more wine for you,” Merlin chided gently, tugging Arthur’s tunic off. “Okay?” Merlin peered into Arthur’s face sternly. The next thing he knew, Arthur was surging forward and pressing his lips against Merlin’s in a sloppy, drunken kiss.

Merlin pulled away quickly, gasping Arthur’s name.

“Merlin,” Arthur purred, tugging Merlin toward him until Merlin fell on the bed.

“Wait! Arthur – “

With a swift yank, Merlin found himself in the middle of Arthur’s bed, Arthur sprawled over him, pressing insistent kisses to Merlin’s face. Merlin’s eyelids were fluttering madly at the onslaught of pleasure. He was on the brink of rutting against Arthur just to get off, damn the consequences, when Arthur’s head suddenly fell to Merlin’s chest and Merlin heard a faint snore.

“Arthur?” Merlin said hesitantly. He lifted his head to peer down at the mess of blond hair on his chest.

Arthur was sound asleep.

Merlin slammed his head against the pillows in frustration, swearing quietly at Arthur’s sleeping form. He tried to extricate himself, but Arthur clutched at him tighter, arms winding around Merlin’s waist. Merlin glared at Arthur for starting something he couldn’t finish, leaving him aching for Arthur’s touch. But his gaze quickly softened as he watched Arthur nuzzle into his chest, hugging Merlin close like he was the most precious thing in the world. Merlin shifted until he felt comfortable, telling himself he’d only stay until Arthur moved away. He began running his fingers through Arthur’s hair, marveling at the softness of the locks. He told himself repeatedly that this meant nothing. That Arthur was just lonely and missing Gwen. That Arthur needed this comfort, and if he needed it from Merlin, that’s what he’d get.

Between one excuse and the next, Merlin fell asleep.

\--

Arthur woke to the sun shining directly in his eyes. He frowned, wondering why Merlin didn’t close the curtains. Then he registered the feeling of a warmth beside him he hadn’t felt in weeks. His eyes snapped open to find Merlin’s sleeping face resting beside his own. Arthur thought back to the night before, breathing a sigh of relief when he remembered all he’d stolen was a kiss.

He took the next few minutes to study Merlin’s face, completely relaxed, with none of the weariness usually present in Merlin’s waking hours. He reached out and caressed Merlin’s cheek, running his fingers over the delicate cheekbones that have long fascinated him. When Arthur caressed Merlin’s lips, Merlin began to stir.

At first, Merlin snuffled closer to Arthur, a tiny wrinkle forming between Merlin’s eyebrows as he turned from the sunshine to hide in Arthur’s neck. A fond smile bloomed over Arthur’s features, and he ached to smooth away the wrinkle. Arthur knew Merlin’s eyes fluttered open by the brush of eyelashes on his neck.

Merlin looked at him blearily, sending Arthur a completely unguarded smile. “Arthur…” he murmured. Then his eyes flew open and he yelped, “Arthur!” Merlin tumbled out of bed and was halfway out the door before Arthur had a chance to realize what happened.

“I’ll fetch your breakfast, sire!” Merlin said slightly shrilly as he darted away.

“Wait, Merlin – “

“Right away!”

The door slammed shut.

Arthur was left with a cold bed, feeling bereft. He dressed himself that morning, using the time to think of how to explain this to Merlin.

When Merlin returned, he refused to meet Arthur’s gaze, setting down Arthur’s tray of food with a quiet, “Sire,” before backing away, not engaging in their usual banter or fight for Arthur’s cheese (that Arthur always lets Merlin win).

“Merlin,” Arthur said softly, pausing when Merlin jumped away. “About this morning…”

“It’s nothing, sire,” Merlin replied, forcing a smile. “I know.”

“No, no, Merlin, that’s not what I meant,” Arthur tried to explain.

“Don’t worry about it, sire. I understand.”

“You… do?” Arthur asked, holding his breath.

“Of course. It’s been a couple weeks. It’s natural to get lonely.”

“Yes, that’s… no, you’ve got it completely wrong,” Arthur protested. “It’s not Guinevere I was thinking of.”

“You don’t have to pretend, Arthur,” Merlin said, offering Arthur a sympathetic smile.

Merlin’s eyes weren’t smiling though, so Arthur tried again. “Stop, Merlin. I’m not pretending. I wanted to kiss you. I mean, I never realized it before – “

“Because Gwen was here,” Merlin said flatly.

“Well, yes,” Arthur admitted. “But that’s not what I meant.”

“I know what you meant, sire. Please eat your breakfast.”

“Not until you hear me out,” Arthur said stubbornly. He lifted his chin and folded his arms over his chest in a challenge.

“Then don’t eat,” Merlin said curtly. “I have armor to polish.” Merlin tried to flee, but Arthur was quicker, grabbing Merlin’s arm to keep him close. “Was there something else you needed, sire?” Merlin bit out.

“Yes. For you to listen,” Arthur practically pleaded.

“I never listen to you. Haven’t we been over this?” Merlin shot back.

“Merlin, just listen to me, you idiot! I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since Guinevere left. You mean a lot to me, Merlin.” Arthur leaned in for a kiss. Merlin dodged his attempt. Arthur tried to pull Merlin closer to try for another kiss.

Merlin yanked his arm violently out of Arthur’s grip, pushing Arthur away harshly. Arthur stumbled back into the table in surprise.

Merlin has his arms wrapped around himself, as if trying to protect himself from something. From Arthur. The thought makes Arthur ache.

“Stop it, Arthur,” Merlin said harshly. “You were drunk and confused last night. I get it. And now you’re trying to be noble to make me feel better. I know what last night was, all right? I’m always here for you, Arthur. But I’m not Gwen’s replacement. So with all due respect, sire, I have work to do.” Merlin slammed the door on his way out.

Merlin didn’t come back to Arthur’s chambers that day. He didn’t appear again until the next morning, flushed and still avoiding Arthur’s gaze.

“Merlin,” Arthur said, reaching out for Merlin.

“Leave it, Arthur.” Merlin sounded so tired that Arthur did as he asked, letting his hand fall back to his side in hurt confusion.

\--

That day, a wide-eyed country boy with a self-proclaimed dream of serving royalty appeared at the castle gates. His eagerness and clumsiness reminded Merlin so much of himself that Merlin took the boy under his wing, patiently teaching him the ins and outs of the castle, even allowing him to take over for some of Merlin’s duties. Merlin adamantly told himself that it wasn’t because he wanted to avoid Arthur.

The boy, named Thomas, was so full of gratitude that Merlin almost felt guilty for foisting his own duties on to him for selfish reasons. But not enough to stop.

It seemed that the knights were taking to Thomas well. In fact, everyone was except Arthur. Arthur had started lashing out at everyone again, leaving the knights cowering when he looked at them and muttering mutinously when he turned his back.

\--

“How can you stand to work for him?” Thomas had asked, eyes wide with indignation.

Merlin laughed. “It’s an acquired taste to be sure,” Merlin said dryly.

“But he’s – he’s – “ The boy seemed to be struggling for an adequate description that wouldn’t get him tried for treason.

So Merlin helpfully supplied, “A complete prat of a master who only cares about himself?”

Thomas glanced around wildly before giving a timid nod.

“That’s Arthur!” Merlin said cheerfully, turning away and failing to notice the dark look that descended on Thomas’ face when Arthur rounded the corner.

Merlin hurried to Arthur quickly, dipping an exaggerate bow, drawling a cheeky “Sire.”

Arthur slapped Merlin upside the head and dragged him away by his arm. Merlin waved cheerily at Thomas before disappearing into a corridor.

Thomas’ face darkened further.

\--

The next day, when Merlin passed the training field, it was to find Arthur engaged in a sparring match with Gwaine, Thomas watching avidly on the bench. Merlin smiled slightly and shook his head as the clang of swords rang out. When Gwaine tripped Arthur to the ground and continued to force his advantage, Merlin frowned. When Gwaine thrust his sword, point down, at Arthur’s neck, Merlin dropped his armful of armor with a clang, feeling the blood rush from his face. He raced forward just as Arthur rolled out of the way, Gwaine’s blade barely nicking the back of his neck. Merlin was at Gwaine’s side in an instant, yanking his arm away from Arthur.

“Gwaine!” Merlin shouted, shaking him violently. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Gwaine blinked and shook his head as if to clear it. He stared down at Arthur blankly. As comprehension dawned, a look of horror appeared on Gwaine’s face. “Fuck, Arthur,” he breathed. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“It’s fine, Gwaine. I should’ve been quicker. No harm done,” Arthur replied, grimacing as he nods.

“It’s not fine!” Merlin squawked. He took hold of Arthur’s arm and dragged him away. “You’re done with training for today,” Merlin declared.

“Merlin!” Arthur said indignantly. “It’s just a scratch. Let go.”

Merlin wouldn’t budge, resolutely dragging Arthur back to his chambers to check his wound. Arthur glanced over his shoulder, only to find his knights all covering their mouths to stifle their laughter.

“Traitors,” Arthur muttered under his breath.

“What was that?” Merlin asked sharply.

“Nothing,” Arthur muttered petulantly.

\--

The next time one of Arthur’s knights started attacking Arthur in earnest was two days later when Merlin was unable to attend their training session, sending Thomas in his place. Merlin only found out when Arthur came back wincing every time he bent over.

“What happened?” Merlin demanded, running his hands over the smattering of bruises on Arthur’s torso.

“Percival got a little too enthusiastic,” Arthur admitted.

“And by that you mean he went crazy and wouldn’t stop attacking you like Gwaine did last week?” Merlin shot back.

“A bit.”

“Arthur, something’s wrong with your knights.” Merlin applied salve to the bruises gently, careful not to hurt Arthur.

“There’s nothing wrong with them, Merlin,” Arthur insisted. “They’re getting better, that’s all. I’m proud they’re getting closer to defeating me. You should be too.”

“Oh yes. I’m so proud Gwaine and Percival nearly killed you, sire,” Merlin said sarcastically.

“No need to get cheeky, Merlin.”

“That doesn’t change what I said,” Merlin retorted.

“Doesn’t change what I said either.”

\--

The third time Arthur came back battered and bruised, Merlin had had enough. Something was clearly wrong with the knights. Gwaine he could understand. He and Arthur had always had some kind of strange rivalry that Merlin never understood. Percival was strong. It was possible that he had misjudged a couple hits. But _Leon_? Slicing Arthur’s thigh open? Something was wrong.

“Gaius. I think Arthur’s knights have been enchanted to kill him,” Merlin blurted out.

Gaius raised an eyebrow at Merlin, setting down his potion vial patiently. “What happened, Merlin?”

“Gwaine, Percival, and Leon have each tried to kill Arthur during training on three separate occasions.”

“Are you certain they were attempting to kill Arthur?” Gaius asked.

“Absolutely. Er… well.”

“Merlin,” Gaius said with a sigh.

“I was only there the first time! But Gwaine, Percival, and Leon would never hurt Arthur!” Merlin protested. “Thomas was there every time! We can…” Merlin stopped short, eyes widening.

At that, Gaius sat up straighter as well. “Thomas? The new boy who’s been doing your chores for you?”

“Oh God,” Merlin breathed. “Thomas is trying to kill Arthur. It has to be his doing. There’s no other explanation for it.”

“It does seem like the more likely assumption,” Gaius agreed. “Have you seen evidence of sorcery?”

Merlin hesitated guiltily.

“Merlin!” Gaius says sharply.

Merlin spread his arms helplessly. “It was just once! I saw him making pictures in the fire. Who am I to speak when I’m guilty of the same?”

“We need to have a serious discussion about you keeping these things from me, Merlin,” Gaius says sternly.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Merlin agrees distractedly. “What about Thomas and Arthur?”

“Do you think it likely he’s been enchanting them?”

“I haven’t been around Thomas enough, Gaius. But… I have seen him speaking with Gwaine, Percival, and Leon. Come to think of it, it was usually the day before Arthur got hurt…” Merlin trailed off, going wide-eyed.

“Has he spoken to anyone else?” Gaius asked urgently.

“Yes, just yesterday I saw him speaking to Lamorak. And… Arthur’s speaking with him right now to send him on patrol. I have to get to Arthur!” Merlin leapt up and raced for Arthur’s chambers.

When Merlin burst into Arthur’s chambers, it was to find Arthur engaged in a fight wielding only a chair while Lamorak attacked with a blade.

“Arthur!” Merlin shouted helplessly. Dimly, he registered Thomas’ presence in the corner of the room, clutching a jug of wine, cowering, a triumphant glint in his eye. Merlin darted around Arthur, keeping his head down as he muttered a spell to make Lamorak drop his sword. Arthur promptly hit him over the head with a chair leg, making Lamorak collapse in a heap.

After a moment, Thomas hurried forward, saying, “Sire! Are you hurt? Shall I get you some salve or bandages?”

“He won’t be needing anything else, Thomas,” Merlin said shortly, nearly shoving Thomas out the door. “Help Sir Lamorak back to his chambers.”

Arthur raised an eyebrow at Merlin when the door shut behind Thomas and Lamorak. “I thought you were fond of him.”

“I was,” Merlin replied. “ _Are_ you hurt?”

“I’m fine, Merlin,” Arthur said, eyes softening at Merlin’s concerned tone. “Merlin…”

“Yes?”

“I think something’s wrong with my knights.”

“You don’t say, sire.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

\--

On his way back from Arthur’s chambers, Merlin suddenly stiffened as he felt magic crackle in the air. Before he could react, the spell hit him. Between one step and the next, Merlin felt himself falling into blackness.

When he woke, Merlin heard the words _“kill Arthur Pendragon”_ buzzing through the back of his mind. He shook his head to clear it, but the words wouldn’t let up. Merlin set off for Arthur’s chambers, suddenly acutely aware of the many different things around him he could use to kill someone. The axes hanging on the wall. How easy it would be to call one down upon someone’s head with a spell. The window. It would only take a slight nudge with his magic to send someone tumbling from the highest level of the castle to the stone ground. The chandeliers. A few words would loosen the screws enough to make one come crashing down on someone.

He entered Arthur’s chambers and threw open the curtains violently. “Up and at ‘em!”

“Merlin,” Arthur groaned.

“Yes, sire.”

“Have you brought my breakfast?”

“I’ll fetch it right away, sire,” Merlin replied, quickly exiting the room. Arthur sat up and stared in confusion as the door closed uncharacteristically gently.

Merlin returned not minutes later with a decadent breakfast, the kind that Merlin stopped bringing when he started teasing Arthur about getting fat. Arthur studied Merlin surreptitiously, sensing something off. He deliberately pushed his sausages to one side of his plate along with raisin bread he hated (which Merlin also hadn’t brought in years). Merlin didn’t touch any of it.

Arthur finished the rest of his breakfast in silence, watching from under his lashes as Merlin moved about the room.

“Merlin,” Arthur called.

Merlin spun around quickly with a “yes, sire.”

Arthur frowned. The blank look on Merlin’s face hadn’t changed since he came in. “That will be all.”

“Yes, sire.” Merlin left, gathering Arthur’s laundry dutifully.

Arthur continued to frown long after Merlin left.

\--

When Merlin returned with lunch, it was with Thomas trailing at his heels. “Sire,” the two droned in unison as they set down Arthur’s food. Merlin took his place beside Arthur like a proper servant, wine jug in his hands. Arthur felt as if the frown was etched on his face by now.

Thomas coughed pointedly and Merlin made an aborted movement. Arthur glanced between the two men in confusion.

Thomas coughed again and Merlin put his hand to his forehead. When Thomas coughed a third time, Merlin started shaking his head violently, finally letting out a gasp as he relaxed.

“Arthur?” Merlin murmured, sounding dazed.

“What is it?” Arthur said, secretly relieved that Merlin had stopped being so deferential and had started calling him “Arthur” again.

“I – nothing,” Merlin replied. “I have to go.” Arthur frowned as Merlin darted out the door. His frown deepened as Thomas hurried after him without so much as a nod at Arthur as he left.

Curious, and a little worried, Arthur followed.

\--

Merlin took off down the corridors, hurrying toward his room, shaking his head once in a while, feeling as though he’d just come out of a dream. There was a faint echo of whispers in his head, and he had a suspicion that he had been about to hit Arthur over the head with the wine jug when Thomas coughed.

Merlin skidded to a halt.

Thomas.

The sorcerer who wanted Arthur dead. And Merlin had just left Arthur alone with him.

Merlin whirled around, only to feel himself lifted off his feet and slammed into a wall. Merlin sat up, rubbing at the back of his head where it struck the wall.

“You,” came Thomas’ voice.

Merlin’s head snapped up, trying to blink away the fogginess. “Thomas,” Merlin said through gritted teeth.

“I know who you are, Emrys,” Thomas said, eyes glinting dangerously.

Merlin pushed himself off the ground, wobbling slightly. “Good. Then you’ll leave before you see what I can do.”

“You fought my spell. It was quite admirable. Fighting to stop yourself from killing the King.”

“I won’t let you hurt Arthur,” Merlin said.

“Oh I figured that out, Emrys. That’s why I wanted you to do the hurting for me. Won’t you join me? You and I are alike, after all.”

“You and I are nothing alike,” Merlin bit out. “Get out or you force my hand.”

“You know, Emrys. I came to Camelot in the hopes of seeing what kind of man Arthur Pendragon is. Is he like Uther? Who looked down on anyone not of nobility. Or is he like Igraine? Who treated those around her, noble or common, with kindness. From what I have seen and heard, he is Uther’s son first and foremost. A second Uther Pendragon cannot be allowed to reign over Camelot. The crusade on magic will never end. It is my duty, as a sorcerer, to put an end to this injustice.”

“Arthur is nothing like his father,” Merlin bit out. “He’s a good man and a just king. You would see that if you bothered to look past the surface.”

“All I hear is a man defending his beloved.”

“Wh-what?” Merlin stuttered to a halt, caught completely off guard.

A mocking grin spread over Thomas’ face. “You thought I didn’t notice?” He laughed. “A blind man could see that you’re in love with him!”

“What I feel or do not feel for Arthur is irrelevant. The fact remains that Arthur is good for Camelot,” Merlin said through gritted teeth.

“’Arthur,’” Thomas mimicked. ”How familiar you are with him. What was I expected to think? All I had to do was hear you say his name and I knew.”

“Stop,” Merlin ordered, face flushing, but refusing to lower his gaze.

“As you wish.” Thomas shrugged, then whipped out his hand, sending an arc of blue light flying toward Merlin.

Merlin’s eyes flashed. The blue light disintegrated in the middle of the corridor.

Thomas laughed. “So we’ll do it the hard way.”

Thomas’ hand flew up again. This time, a portrait on the wall flew toward Merlin.

Merlin was raising his hand to counter when Arthur’s shout rang out.

“Merlin!”

Merlin’s head whipped around, startled.

The portrait slammed into Merlin, knocking Merlin off his feet. Merlin flew against the wall again with a cry, portrait breaking in half, pieces falling on top of Merlin.

“Merlin!” Arthur cried out again, rushing to Merlin’s side, pushing the pieces of the portrait away.

“How sweet,” Thomas said. “The king has finally arrived to rescue his beloved.”

Arthur didn’t bother denying it, standing when Merlin began to stir. “What do you want from Merlin?” Arthur demanded.

“Nothing,” Thomas said simply. “What I want, is you dead. But clearly, that won’t be happening if he is around.”

“Leave Merlin out of this. Your grudge is with me,” Arthur said, drawing his sword.

“You plan to defend yourself against magic with a piece of metal?” Thomas laughed. “Suit yourself.” Thomas’ eyes glowed gold as he sent a bolt of lightning at Arthur.

Before Arthur could dive out of the way, he felt the wind knocked out of him as Merlin slammed into him, sending them both sprawling to the ground.

\--

When Merlin tuned back into the fight, it was to see a lightning bolt flying toward Arthur. Merlin had no time to react, no time to collect his scattered thoughts enough to use magic.

Merlin did the only thing he knew would work.

He threw himself at Arthur, knocking Arthur out of the way while willing his magic to obey and _stop the sorcerer_.

He had no idea what he did, but as he knocked Arthur down, a beam of gold light flew from his hand, colliding with the lightning bolt, destroying Thomas’ spell, then slamming into Thomas. Thomas didn’t even have time to open his mouth before the gold light hit, leaving nothing but a slightly blackened spot on the stone.

Merlin felt himself being dragged upright, cradled in someone’s gentle arms. Arthur’s face swam into his field of vision, and Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. He smiled, murmuring Arthur’s name.

Then the darkness took him.

\--

Arthur was frantic as he gathered Merlin into his arms, peering into his pale face with mounting worry. Arthur felt relief flood through him when Merlin said his name. But in the next moment, Merlin’s head lolled to the side and no amount of shaking would rouse him.

Terrified, Arthur stood, lifting Merlin into his arms, and hurried to Gaius.

“Gaius!” Arthur shouted, unable to mask the fear in his voice.

Gaius came rushing over, urging Arthur to put Merlin in his own bed.

“What happened, sire?”

“Merlin got into a fight with a sorcerer. Thomas, that new servant. He got hit with a portrait. When Thomas started attacking me, Merlin knocked me out of the way. I’m not sure what happened after that. Merlin may have gotten hit with a spell. I can’t say.” After a pause, Arthur whispered, “Gaius, please tell me he’ll be okay.”

Gaius didn’t reply, only kept bandaging the gash on Merlin’s forehead. When the bandaging was complete, Gaius continued prodding at Merlin, looking for any more signs of injury. “He appears fine, sire. As long as he takes care of that wound, I see no reason he won’t recover within the week.”

“Thank you, Gaius,” Arthur said, sitting heavily on the edge of Merlin’s bed.

“You’re free to return to your duties, sire,” Gaius assured Arthur.

“I – “ Arthur glanced at Gaius. “Is it okay if I stay with him? Until he wakes.”

“Sire, there’s no guarantee of when he will wake,” Gaius said gently. “It may be in a few minutes or a few days.”

“I’d like to stay,” Arthur said softly, taking Merlin’s hand and gazing at him as if he never wanted to let go.

Gaius was silent for several moments. Long enough that Arthur looked up, intending to ask if something was wrong. Gaius only smiled at him and nodded.

“I’ll get you a chair, sire.”

“Thank you,” Arthur replied, wanting to offer to get the chair himself to save Gaius the trouble, but unable to bring himself to leave Merlin’s side.

Gaius came back with a wooden chair, patting Arthur on the shoulder with a whispered, “I trust you’ll take care of him.”

“Always,” Arthur murmured without thinking. He blushed and glanced at Gaius to find him nodding approvingly.

Arthur turned back to gaze at Merlin, gaze soft, fingers tightening around Merlin’s once in a while to assure himself Merlin was still there.

“Wake up, you idiot,” Arthur whispered, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s hand.

Arthur’s mind was stuck on Thomas’ words. _‘A blind man could see you’re in love with him!’_ Merlin hadn’t denied it. He’d defended Arthur with his life, loyalty unwavering. He’d defended both Arthur’s person and his reputation. Only Merlin.

It had always been Merlin. Arthur had been a fool not to see it sooner.

“Idiot,” Arthur murmured affectionately. “I’ll make you understand. You’re not getting out of this bed until you understand why I kissed you that day. No more secrets, Merlin. Just… wake up.” Arthur brushed Merlin’s hair off his forehead and pressed Merlin’s hand against his cheek.

“Please wake up, Merlin.”

\--

Merlin came to with a pounding head. He groaned his discomfort, raising a hand to his head. But his hand wouldn’t budge. Merlin forced his eyes open to see Arthur’s head resting on one arm on the edge of Merlin’s bed, his hand clasping Merlin’s.

Merlin attempted to tug his hand away. Arthur only clutched at him tighter. Merlin was mystified, watching as Arthur woke, staring at Merlin uncomprehendingly for a few moments before his face lit up. “Merlin!” he cried, surging forward to wrap Merlin in a tight hug.

“Arthur,” Merlin choked, feeling Arthur’s arms constricting his air supply.

“Sorry, sorry!” Arthur said, quickly letting go to let Merlin breathe. He was still clutching Merlin’s hand when he said, “Thank heavens you’re awake, Merlin.”

Merlin just stared at Arthur. “What are you doing here?” he stammered out.

Arthur looked exasperated for a moment. Then he leaned forward and pressed his lips against Merlin’s.

When he pulled away, Merlin was glaring at him. “Arthur, I’ve told you that I won’t be your second choice.”

“Merlin,” Arthur said softly. “You don’t understand.” When Merlin tried to pull away again, Arthur continued more urgently. “No, Merlin, you _really_ don’t understand. You’re not my second choice. You never were.”

“Arthur – “ Merlin started tiredly.

“Merlin, just shut up,” Arthur said firmly. “Look, you idiot. I married Guinevere. I loved her. She left. That’s all true. But you, Merlin. You’re different. You’re everything. Without you… Guinevere, Camelot, none of that matters. It’s always been you beside me. Defending me. Supporting me. Believing in me. You’re the one I can’t lose. When Guinevere was leaving, she told me that you had been enchanted by Morgana years ago. I didn’t know what she was talking about. But at that moment, it didn’t matter that Guinevere had just been enchanted. It didn’t matter that my wife was leaving me. All that mattered was that you were safe. Compared to you, Merlin, nothing else matters.” Arthur tightened his grip on Merlin’s hand, gaze searching Merlin’s like a drowning man searching for water.

“Are – are you sure?” Merlin asked shakily, eyes wide and a little terrified.

“Merlin, do you think I would’ve sat at your beside all night if I wasn’t sure? This past day has been hell on earth for me. If you still doubt me, I don’t know what else I can say,” Arthur said, looking away, starting to fold in on himself.

“Arthur,” Merlin murmured. When Arthur looked back hopefully, Merlin’s eyes were soft and joyful. Merlin sat up, ignoring Arthur’s protests, and threw himself into Arthur’s arms, trusting Arthur to catch him. As predicted, Arthur’s arms wrapped around him immediately, cradling Merlin to his chest. Merlin hid a smile in Arthur’s neck.

Merlin pulled away, avoiding Arthur’s gaze again.

“What is it?” Arthur asked softly, trying to catch Merlin’s eye.

“Arthur, there’s something you need to know,” Merlin said seriously, darting a look into Arthur’s eyes before looking away again.

Arthur chuckled. “What’s got you looking so serious? It’s not like it could be worse than you being enchanted by Morgana.”

Merlin didn’t speak. Arthur’s face sobered. “Merlin,” Arthur pleaded. “No more secrets. Not between you and I.”

“No more secrets,” Merlin echoed, uncertain if he’s agreeing with Arthur or trying to convince himself.

Arthur pressed a kiss to Merlin’s temple. “Tell me. Please.”

Merlin nodded imperceptibly. Taking a deep breath, Merlin lifted his eyes to meet Arthur’s. He held Arthur’s gaze as he let his eyes flash gold, lifting his hand to reveal the tiny flame in the shape of the Pendragon crest cradled in his palm.

Arthur’s eyes widened as they darted between Merlin’s golden eyes and the flame in his hand. Seeing Merlin’s bright eyes, tousled hair, and sweet smile, Arthur’s eyes softened as he reached out and folded his fingers over Merlin’s without hesitation. Arthur didn’t need to see his hand to know there would be no burn.

Arthur smiled and used their joined hands, flame dancing between their palms, to pull Merlin into his embrace. The last thing Arthur saw before their lips met was Merlin’s golden eyes shining with a love he felt echoed in his own heart, sealing a promise that never needed to be spoken.


End file.
